Saturday, March 21, 2009

Limited Lifetime Warranty (1)

I'm freaking out.
I don't freak out.
But I am.

I need to go on a diet - not because I need to lose weight but because of health issues - and I'm just too lazy to bother.

I drive like a maniac. And all I can think about when I'm on the road is car accidents. And I drive like a maniac. And all i can think of are accidents.

I need to find a place to bury my diaries.

I have a book-buying addiction. People go on shopping therapy, I go on book therapy. I buy mountains of books, that I know I'm too busy to read at the moment. But I buy them anyway. I have over 50 books I haven't touched yet. I almost bought a book twice, just because I forgot that I got it in the first place. I treat myself to books when I'm down,bored, or ugly. I have a book-buying addiction. And it's not going away.

I'm not a social person. I find it extremely hard and emotionally exhausting to meet new people and make friends with them. People think I'm a snob because I don't talk. I usually can't find words when I'm face to face with a complete stranger.My tongue twists. So I usually resort to smiling. I hate "friendly-talks" and the fact that smoking is one thing that brings people together.

I talk. a lot.
Like I do here. I have things to say about almost everything.
I rant aimlessly in awkward situations or when I want to cover up for what I'm feeling at a given time. I make fun of others or resort to sarcasm to divert attention.

I cherish silence the most. I have silent conversations. And I believe that the more comfortable a person and I live in the silence between us, the more we understand each other.

>>>>>>>>> I don't find any of that contradicting.

I hate being the center of attention. That's why I love directing. It's like you're the master of the puppets, but behind the scenes. I'd rather deserve honor and not get it, than get credit and not deserve it. (rephrased after a saying by Mark Twain that I read once and it stuck with me).

My friends think that if Prom was a costume party, I should be a cutter.

I shower people with gifts. Nothing fancy. Notes, a bar of chocolate, an sms, a wink. Not because I have loads of money or nothing better to do. You just never know when it's gonna be over. So I wanna make sure to make the best memories at this very moment. It may be the last birthday I spend with you. It may be the last time we talk. It may be the last time we see eachother. It may be the last time before things change. Out of experience, it happens. It may always be the last time. So pardon me.

Everything is hanging by a thread.
Everything is on the verge of falling apart.
Everything is hanging by a thread.
I discard Everything. Because it's not happening. It's not me. Nothing is falling apart. It's not happening. I'm not here. I wash it away. I move on.

I have a theory.
I have a We-are-happy-people-theory.
I'm tired of being victimized. I'm tired of waiting for sympathy and people patting my back, smiling, ohhh dear lord, poor thing how can she survive all the shit that's happening in her life!
I'm done with this shit. I'm not a miserable person. I am a happy person, with problems.

I never write as my own narrator. I never write in the voice of me. When I started this blog, I only told stories that are pointless, funny, or sarcastic. Which is only part of me, that is .. the most obvious. I suddenly turned into this dramatic, artistic literary bullshit writer. And I never talk as me, except in tags and what not. I never write as me, because I like to think that, although the things I write are my own thoughts, that writing about them in that specific way will detach them from me. So they are only remotely connected to me. I don't want to be associated with this dark, cussing and fussing, emotional, stupid narrator of those pieces. I put myself on a pedestal. And I shall forever remain there.
I'm full of shit.

It's an in-the-air-thing. Nan has a feeling it's about the sun and the moon.




marooned84 said...

I love your randomness!

I have one comment, and one comment only: You think 50 unread books makes u crazy about book shopping? Well, I have about 300! what does that make me?

Zee Puppette said...

even crazier?? =)

The.I.inside said...

I love to read to you, I wish I could write like that.
I like you :D

NanyAfterMath*~ said...

and i think i know you -_-

silent observer said...

"I cherish silence the most. I have silent conversations. And I believe that the more comfortable a person and I live in the silence between us, the more we understand each other."

Love this :)

and the book thing... totally relate hehe

Maxxed`ouT said...

how old are you?

Zee Puppette said...


Evaluna said...

i was looking for this post to re-read it!
did i ever tell you how strongly i relate to almost every single thing you mentioned?!
it's freaky man!