sekkak

Ever since I was a child, my family has been all over the place.

When I was little over a year, I was shipped back to Egypt to live with my Grandma.
and so I did.
There's not much that I remember.
But I remember her face and her smile.
and how I used to sleep by the wall, and roll on top of her in the mornings.
we used to do the laundry together, too. or, well, I was more into scattering everything and she was more into un-scattering what I scattered.
I remember her putting my pillow on her lap, with me on top, and her rocking me, until I fall asleep.
I remember waking up next to her.
and then I remember nothing.
for a while, I remember nothing.
but then I remember the fuss.
the unexplicable anxiety.
and then I remember the one day I was allowed into what I now know is a hospital.
I remember the exact utter details of her room.
of her.
a lonely metal bed in huge space.
white.
it even smelled white.
I remember stopping at the door for a second before I realize that this is actually ... her.
I then burst into the room and run to stand next to her bed.
she was grey. but smiling.
it was different.
it was new.
it was the same.
I hug her arm that she reaches out for me.
and then, I don't remember.
for a while I don't remember.
And then there was the one day after, I go with my mom to her place.
The moment the door opens, I let go of my mom's hand and run like the wind to her bedroom.
our bedroom.
with the big balcony, and the noisy sounds of the tram tracks.
Her bed is neatly done.
next to the wall. like always.
as usual.
but it was different.
it was ... new.
it was the same.
but she wasn't there.
and I stand at the door. and I stare. and I don't understand. and a million question marks pop in my head. and I don't get it. she should be here. Thats what we came here for now isn't it?
and my little body turns in awkwardness towards my mom.
and - mom, where did grandma go?
and - mom, isn't she supposed to be here?
and - mom, why aren't you answering me?

ra7et 3and rabena.

and then I don't remember.
I remember, I didn't cry.
I remember, I didn't shed a tear.

and for a long while after, all I could think of was
how?
How did she go ... to rabena?
How did she go all the way up the sky?
What did she do? what did she ... use?
and in my little head I started imagining my grandma going up the sky.
and in my little head I visualized tens of stories about how my grandma went aaaaaaall the way to rabena.

One time, grandma made the loooooongest ladder of all. It was wooden and original and brownish. It had little metal screws on the sides and it was so long and strong, it went up the sky like it was made to invade the clouds.
and that's how my grandma ra7et 3and rabena.

Another time, grandma used chairs. They are also wooden and have small floral etchings on their backs. grandma was so smart, she put millions of them so carefully on top of each other and they never fell. grandma started going up her way to the sky. It was a little dangerous, and at times, the chairs moved around a bit. Grandma would stay sill for a while until she felt it was safe to continue climbing.
and that's how my grandma ra7et 3and rabena.

One other time, rabena wanted grandma to come to Him. So a looooong rope dangled from the stuffy clouds. and grandma just held the end of the rope so tight, and she was smoothy pulled up to space.
and that's how my grandma also ra7et 3and rabena.

In my little head, and for years after, I just wondered how.
until one day, out of the blue,
I forgot.
and I stopped wondering.
the stories however, were forever carved in my memory.
and I refuse to accept that my grandma ra7et 3and rabena just like everyone else does.

And now,
without her,
as usual,
as always,
it is different.
it is new.
it is the same.

and there went my first favorite person in the world.




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side note

Hello.

can you please give me a reason to wake up every morning?


Thank you.




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O

i rotate.
as the planets rotate.
as the earth rotates.
as the clock arrows rotate.
as the electrons rotate.

i rotate.
with the planets, as they rotate.
with the earth, as it rotates.
with the clock arrows, as they rotate.
with the electrons, as they rotate.

i rotate.
quietly.
patiently.
until the very end,
i rotate.



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state of play

I put on some clothes and pretend I'm not naked.

I walk in confidence and pretend I'm not lost.

I put on some make up and pretend I'm not ugly.

I wrap my arms around my shoulders and pretend I'm not alone.






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w/ love. really.

I woke up with this thought in my mind,
I most probably picked it up from someone, or heard it somewhere;
a Syrian so eloquently said:

لو مصر أم الدنيا
فسوريا أبوها


And I'll I can think of is

صباح العيله اللي مش ولا بُد




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item No.56059

dude.
All people in the world,
have one heart!
shit.




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a spec of space

In a mountain cave
through paper and glass
I have found the one
that I want to have.
Locked in his arms
melted in the rain
made a promise
then tossed it in shame.
It ran away like
fleeing a battle field.
Coz people like me
were meant to be alone.




***




On a window chair
lay a body of cells
and through my eyes
it looked like the most
beautiful thing in the
world. It was happy
and smooth and covered
in peace. An aura of
light shined through
to revolve me with it
in a swirl of drunkenness
and then I opened my eyes
and it all disappeared.





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