Saturday, June 27, 2009

Limited Life Warranty (2)

I think I may have an eating disorder.
The first time it happened was right after I graduated from high school.
I forget how it feels to be hungry. I stop eating and it can go on for days, without me even feeling the need to eat. It sometimes crosses my mind, the idea of food, but I just can't bother.
People said I was stressed. That is was psychological, since it was a transitional phase in my life. I have just applied to a university out of the country. I was anxiously waiting for an answer. I was getting ready to leave everything I have ever known behind and go to a place where I don't know a soul. I was about to take a huge risk that almost everyone just dreaded at that point.
They said I was stressed but I didn't feel like I was. I wasn't nervous or anxiously checking my email day and night. I wasn't even bothered with the whole "I'm may be moving to another country" idea yet. I didn't feel like I was under pressure, or going through a "transitional phase" or whatever the terms everyone used when they saw how zombified I became.

I guess there are two levels of "state of mood".
A superficial one, which is whatever that you feel on a daily basis. Anger, if someone bothered you. Happiness, if everything's going well. Shitty, cranky, funny, glossy, or whatever.
And another more profound one. One that encompasses that specific phase of one's life.
A lot may be going on in one's life, a lot of shit...on level one, you can still be happy, but on level two...the crap just lingers.
I don't even know if that makes any sense.

I obviously have an eating disorder when I'm in distress. Distress that I don't even feel. Or refuse to acknowledge. Or that I'm not even aware of. Or that I choose to ignore.
I don't even know what I do.
And it's happening again. Now that I'm done with school.
and everything else seems to be falling apart.
I don't remember the last time I had a proper meal.
and I think it's because I am in distress.
and mostly because I can't talk about it.
and mostly because I pretend the whole time.
and mostly because I feel like shit since way back in time.
and mostly because no one knows about it.
and no wonder I stopped talking as well.




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5 comments:

marooned84 said...

Good luck...

You'll face it. You're strong enough.

Evaluna said...

denial
denial
denial
denial
denial
denial
denial
denial



...
and go freakin eat something already! pretend you're hungry!

Innate_Inanenuss said...

O sehr liebe Riem --nicht mehr ein Geheimnis - mach dir aber keine sorge...sei nur mit mir und darum werde ich mich gerne kuemmern, dass du so richting isst. Das will ich dir erst versprechen --besides many other things of course. Begad, was fuer eine echte platonische Liebe..oder affektion...die ich fuer dich fuehle :)) lass ihr nich sterben...bitte.

Btw, am not shy to say the above in English...whatever!! kinda personal mess, thats it. Besides I wanna practice my rusty german with u...urs is a lot better, am def. sure. n what better practice than sayin sincere words like the above...das soltest du mir mal doch glauben.

haette ich es nur gewusst dass du dein email regelmaessig oeffnen, wuerde ich was ueben liegt als e-botschft dir sicher abgesendet.

hey, sprich du mich mal ba2a..oh die anzahl der projekts die wir beide zu ende machen koennen!! :))

Innate_Inanenuss said...

Korrekturen...

sei nur mit mir und darum wuerde ich mich gerne kuemmern....

and

haette ich es nur gewusst dass du dein email regelmaessig oeffnen, wuerde ich was ueben liegt als e-botschft dir sicher abgesendet haben

oh what in heavens name am i doing?

Vile said...

Stick to your list, you don't know how lucky you are