item No.56059

dude.
All people in the world,
have one heart!
shit.




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a spec of space

In a mountain cave
through paper and glass
I have found the one
that I want to have.
Locked in his arms
melted in the rain
made a promise
then tossed it in shame.
It ran away like
fleeing a battle field.
Coz people like me
were meant to be alone.




***




On a window chair
lay a body of cells
and through my eyes
it looked like the most
beautiful thing in the
world. It was happy
and smooth and covered
in peace. An aura of
light shined through
to revolve me with it
in a swirl of drunkenness
and then I opened my eyes
and it all disappeared.





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ONGOING ATTEMPTS

my anger is not red.
it's silver.
it's sharp.
it's cold.
and electrifying.
my anger looks like lightning.
my anger feels like lightning.
it's shocking.
it's sudden.
and in times,
deadly.
my anger is personal.
no one sees me angry, except me.
I do not blow up.
I do not shout or yell.
I do not kick asses or the like.
I let my anger slip nicely into a ball of discharge right in the middle of my belly.
and eventually, it cools down and goes away.
or so I like to believe.
my anger lies in my head.
my anger always struggles with my reason.
in my head.
in a -more often than not- bloody massacre.
my anger -more often than not- loses.
However, when my anger hits back,
it's stronger.
massive destruction.
my anger is a lonely soldier.
that I beat up because I have no one else to blame.
my anger is a captive.
I never let it out in the open, I never let it see the light.
Therefore, my anger is a dark headless knight on the loose.
in me.
and I don't know for how long I'll be able to live with my anger.



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Limited Life Warranty (4)

I was 15.
The first attempt of a story I wrote was about a beautiful suicide.


and now I just want to be left alone.







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GI G ANTI C/N OT

It comes in a small shape.
barely recognizable.
It then sneaks its way into my body.
and it amplifies a thousand times.
and then a thousand times more.
with each millisecond it grows.
it multiplies exponentially until I feel my body bloat.
ready to blow up.
I then, explode.
shatter into crimson little pieces.
and one.
the wind then comes.
blows my ashes away.
I disappear in thin air.
I become one with earth's dust.
and I'm everywhere.
Like I've always wanted.



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w.a.s.t.e.

I drag the body mass of mine and set in the middle of a track worn out by travelers.
In a fixed posture I stand and make sure I make eye contact with every single wanderer and transmit a very personal smile through the spits of atoms in the air.
I wait, and my mass of human waits with me.
Crowds squash me. bump into me, hit me with rushed shoulders, don't ever notice me, push me away, slap against my cells. And it becomes tighter, the air is heavier and the sun flickers in misty anger and they shut me down, squeeze me in, crush my soul, trip me over, upside down, inside out. I suddenly feel my body escaping me. It slowly turns pale, turns into white, snow white. It's crispy and cold. and white. into transparent. I twitch. and it shrinks, and wrinkles. and I twitch, twitch. and it curls and twirls. I beg my body not to leave me alone. not among those monsters. I scream at the top of my lungs for it not to leave me. not you. not again. even you? but it continues to diminish. and it continues to wrinkle. and shrink. It's crunchy. and thin. it's transparent and cold. and they're crushing me and it's leaving me alone. they're crushing me and it's leaving me alone.transparent and cold. and they're crushing me.
I guess then someone accidentally runs me over and the next thing I know, my body is falling apart. into a million and one little pieces.
and I just linger in dead air space.



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Totentanz

In the middle of a night
I felt like lying down on the ground,
so I did.

I opened up my arms like you do when you think you're free and could fly and stretched the corners of my lips to their widest,
clenched my teeth and fixed a smile.

I then crumbled down, like never before.
pulled my knees inside me, closed my eyes and buried my head in my heart.

there was then a touch in the dark.
I slowly reached out my arms to feel who's there.
and in the midst
I found a hand,
just as lost.
Our fingers touched
for a second.
but like an electric shock, both our cells clenched in a little.
clenched in, in horror.
scared to recognize another being
down the same empty well.

But I reached out again anyway,
and I felt it reach out again anyway
but this time, in mid air
they held.
I was slowly then pulled in next to a breathing body.
that's in that fetus fatal position when it's the end of it all.
Like two pieces of puzzle, we fit into each other.
and for the rest of what we have left
we dance together;
The dance of the dead.



Basel
July 9, 2009

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Limited Life Warranty (3)

Edit: The following is not a fishing for compliments post - just fyi
________________________________________________________________

It's been a while since I've been able to put words together.


I say that, with a knot in my throat because I have always - internally - looked down on people who claimed to have what is known as "a writers' block". I never believed in it, let alone claim to have one myself. I mean, come on, I'm nothing but an amateur who likes to think that I can actually put something together that makes sense, entertains, disgusts, or evokes any kind of whatever in whoever. What ability do I possess, or what talent for that matter do I have, and what kind of privilege do I give myself to call myself a writer? And what am I to, not only give myself a title I'm not worthy of, but furthermore bum around announcing to the world that look at me, I can't write anymore after I have oh so generously bedazzled you all with my magical words like I used to.
bunch of crap.

And then for some time, I can't do it anymore.
and it used to come so easily. like you open a faucet and it just flows, so clear, and smooth, and just .. perfect.
relatively speaking.

But I always thought that, you know, it'll come back at some point.
That all of it, will come out at once, and be so perfect again.

and so, I choked on words.
I fought them out of my throat.
I beat them out of my body.
I squeezed out my lungs for them.
all I needed were the right ones...
where did they all go?
the right words next to each other.
to make that perfect sense in my head and let me breath out again.
and I searched
I searched in your eyes
in my soul
in their bodies
between the trees.
among clouds and ants.
on the palm of her wrinkled hands.
I thought I'll find it ...
or them.
and come back with a kick ass story on how mighty I have conquered my lack of expression.

but now I come back empty handed.
I think I've lost it somewhere
along the way.
and the dance is over now.






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A Love Story.

Lucas the cat stole away my heart.
I chased down Lucas and squashed him with my foot.
And with him, I accidentally squashed my heart.





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Limited Life Warranty (2)

I think I may have an eating disorder.
The first time it happened was right after I graduated from high school.
I forget how it feels to be hungry. I stop eating and it can go on for days, without me even feeling the need to eat. It sometimes crosses my mind, the idea of food, but I just can't bother.
People said I was stressed. That is was psychological, since it was a transitional phase in my life. I have just applied to a university out of the country. I was anxiously waiting for an answer. I was getting ready to leave everything I have ever known behind and go to a place where I don't know a soul. I was about to take a huge risk that almost everyone just dreaded at that point.
They said I was stressed but I didn't feel like I was. I wasn't nervous or anxiously checking my email day and night. I wasn't even bothered with the whole "I'm may be moving to another country" idea yet. I didn't feel like I was under pressure, or going through a "transitional phase" or whatever the terms everyone used when they saw how zombified I became.

I guess there are two levels of "state of mood".
A superficial one, which is whatever that you feel on a daily basis. Anger, if someone bothered you. Happiness, if everything's going well. Shitty, cranky, funny, glossy, or whatever.
And another more profound one. One that encompasses that specific phase of one's life.
A lot may be going on in one's life, a lot of shit...on level one, you can still be happy, but on level two...the crap just lingers.
I don't even know if that makes any sense.

I obviously have an eating disorder when I'm in distress. Distress that I don't even feel. Or refuse to acknowledge. Or that I'm not even aware of. Or that I choose to ignore.
I don't even know what I do.
And it's happening again. Now that I'm done with school.
and everything else seems to be falling apart.
I don't remember the last time I had a proper meal.
and I think it's because I am in distress.
and mostly because I can't talk about it.
and mostly because I pretend the whole time.
and mostly because I feel like shit since way back in time.
and mostly because no one knows about it.
and no wonder I stopped talking as well.




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Pre-Op III - The Mircle

We're just checking to see if you're alive.




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Pre-Op II : The Plan

Disinfectants.White.Glass.Metal.White.

debts, bank accounts, jobs, future, car, house here, house there, the kids, school, money, food, passwords, instructions, advice, time, God, medicine, family, purposes, body, souls, graveyards, inheritance and the disinfection.

There's no preparing for death.

I lean my back against the white wall in the far corner, cross my arms and watch.
them.

disinfecting.





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backspace.

december 12
4:06 a.m.
first night of severe insomnia:
floating in dead air space
watching out for useless pictures
observing people I'll never be
wrapped around in patterns I'll never wear
being someone I wish I was
having someone I wish I had.

Pre-Op I : The News

I'm choking on words.

but all I vomit is blood.




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Pre-Op

You swallowed in everything.

the changes.
the distance.
the time.

You swallowed in everything.

th changs.
te dstance.
he tim.

You swallowed in everything.

t chng.
e dstnce.
h tm.

You swallowed in everything.

cng.
dstnc.
t.

You swallowed in everything.

cg.
dtn.

You swallowed in everything.

g
dn.

You swallowed in everything.

g
n.


You swallowed in everything.

You swallowed in everything.

And They Lived to see it all End.

and my name is riem. i'm 22. and i'm a multimedia design graduate.

Bucket List #20 : CHECK.

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comma

And every end is a new beginning.

Bucket List : #1 -------> CHECK.







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i know.

I know what you do in the middle of the night.
when all the ghosts and their friends come out.
celebrating the emergence of another span
when they can toast over our lost dark souls.
And I know a thing or two,
that would tear the mightiest of hearts to pieces.
merciless tearing it to pieces.
and then they would watch it bleed to death.
shameless, they would watch it bleed to death.
and then they would cheer at the gallows,
applause their latest kill.
And I know when you crawl out the door.
I know, coz I have to consciously battle to breathe.
beg my heart.
not to stop.
And I know, I wanna yell at you that stop.
please do stop.
I wanna shout out loud that, it ain't fair.
it ain't fair that I know.
and pretend not to know.
it ain't fair that I have to see it through.
and pretend not to know.
it ain't fair that I have to choose.
and pretend not to know.
it ain't fair that I have to witness this.
and pretend not to know.
coz I know.
and I pretend not to know.
and I wanna let the world know.

but I take it in.
each time I remember that I know.
I take it in.
I choose to damage only me.
and I choose to tear only my heart.
and I promise.
No one else will know.
and I shall carry it to my grave.


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hope.

...and it's like quick sand.

I'm drowning.

myself.

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ruins.

I know of a something or two
that would break the mightiest of hearts.
that would make you die a little bit from the inside.
that would crack down the strongest of them walls.
that make the world a little bit more ugly.
more gloomy.
and ugly.
I know of a something or two,
that no one else knows of.
And if they do,
they would run around the street screaming their lungs out.
that it ain't fair to cloud down a summer's night.
that it ain't fair to stain a virgin's heart with blood.
they would then fall,
on the verge of dying they would fall,
and they'd look around, but everyone's dead.

And I know of this something or two,

And the mightiest of hearts shall break,
and I shall die a little bit from the inside,
and my walls are forever broken down,
in ruins.



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