straight outta clown town

2010-05-27T14:21:00.000+03:00

new cave.

(o_0)

2010-01-20T16:48:00.003+02:00

straight outta clown town will be
redirected to another virtual space;
also changed identity to (18991th).
brb.

it's not over until it's done.

2009-12-13T00:16:00.003+02:00

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> evacuation.

.

2009-09-08T03:11:00.006+02:00

2009-09-06T03:20:00.003+02:00

2009-09-05T01:48:00.005+02:00

state of play

2009-08-28T22:54:00.005+02:00

I put on some clothes and pretend I'm not naked.

I walk in confidence and pretend I'm not lost.

I put on some make up and pretend I'm not ugly.

I wrap my arms around my shoulders and pretend I'm not alone.

.

2009-08-28T16:36:00.002+02:00

people are phases, I suppose.

item No.56059

2009-08-16T00:18:00.006+03:00

dude.
All people in the world,
have one heart!
shit.

.

a spec of space

2009-08-14T00:41:00.004+03:00

In a mountain cave
through paper and glass
I have found the one
that I want to have.
Locked in his arms
melted in the rain
made a promise
then tossed it in shame.
It ran away like
fleeing a battle field.
Coz people like me
were meant to be alone.

***

On a window chair
lay a body of cells
and through my eyes
it looked like the most
beautiful thing in the
world. It was happy
and smooth and covered
in peace. An aura of
light shined through
to revolve me with it
in a swirl of drunkenness
and then I opened my eyes
and it all disappeared.

.

ONGOING ATTEMPTS

2009-08-12T01:20:00.005+03:00

my anger is not red.
it's silver.
it's sharp.
it's cold.
and electrifying.
my anger looks like lightning.
my anger feels like lightning.
it's shocking.
it's sudden.
and in times,
deadly.
my anger is personal.
no one sees me angry, except me.
I do not blow up.
I do not shout or yell.
I do not kick asses or the like.
I let my anger slip nicely into a ball of discharge right in the middle of my belly.
and eventually, it cools down and goes away.
or so I like to believe.
my anger lies in my head.
my anger always struggles with my reason.
in my head.
in a -more often than not- bloody massacre.
my anger -more often than not- loses.
However, when my anger hits back,
it's stronger.
massive destruction.
my anger is a lonely soldier.
that I beat up because I have no one else to blame.
my anger is a captive.
I never let it out in the open, I never let it see the light.
Therefore, my anger is a dark headless knight on the loose.
in me.
and I don't know for how long I'll be able to live with my anger.

.

Limited Life Warranty (4)

2009-08-12T00:51:00.007+03:00

I was 15.
The first attempt of a story I wrote was about a beautiful suicide.

and now I just want to be left alone.

.

GI G ANTI C/N OT

2009-08-12T00:40:00.006+03:00

It comes in a small shape.
barely recognizable.
It then sneaks its way into my body.
and it amplifies a thousand times.
and then a thousand times more.
with each millisecond it grows.
it multiplies exponentially until I feel my body bloat.
ready to blow up.
I then, explode.
shatter into crimson little pieces.
and one.
the wind then comes.
blows my ashes away.
I disappear in thin air.
I become one with earth's dust.
and I'm everywhere.
Like I've always wanted.

.

w.a.s.t.e.

2009-08-11T23:57:00.006+03:00

I drag the body mass of mine and set in the middle of a track worn out by travelers.
In a fixed posture I stand and make sure I make eye contact with every single wanderer and transmit a very personal smile through the spits of atoms in the air.
I wait, and my mass of human waits with me.
Crowds squash me. bump into me, hit me with rushed shoulders, don't ever notice me, push me away, slap against my cells. And it becomes tighter, the air is heavier and the sun flickers in misty anger and they shut me down, squeeze me in, crush my soul, trip me over, upside down, inside out. I suddenly feel my body escaping me. It slowly turns pale, turns into white, snow white. It's crispy and cold. and white. into transparent. I twitch. and it shrinks, and wrinkles. and I twitch, twitch. and it curls and twirls. I beg my body not to leave me alone. not among those monsters. I scream at the top of my lungs for it not to leave me. not you. not again. even you? but it continues to diminish. and it continues to wrinkle. and shrink. It's crunchy. and thin. it's transparent and cold. and they're crushing me and it's leaving me alone. they're crushing me and it's leaving me alone.transparent and cold. and they're crushing me.
I guess then someone accidentally runs me over and the next thing I know, my body is falling apart. into a million and one little pieces.
and I just linger in dead air space.

.

Totentanz

2009-08-10T14:39:00.004+03:00

In the middle of a night
I felt like lying down on the ground,
so I did.

I opened up my arms like you do when you think you're free and could fly and stretched the corners of my lips to their widest,
clenched my teeth and fixed a smile.

I then crumbled down, like never before.
pulled my knees inside me, closed my eyes and buried my head in my heart.

there was then a touch in the dark.
I slowly reached out my arms to feel who's there.
and in the midst
I found a hand,
just as lost.
Our fingers touched
for a second.
but like an electric shock, both our cells clenched in a little.
clenched in, in horror.
scared to recognize another being
down the same empty well.

But I reached out again anyway,
and I felt it reach out again anyway
but this time, in mid air
they held.
I was slowly then pulled in next to a breathing body.
that's in that fetus fatal position when it's the end of it all.
Like two pieces of puzzle, we fit into each other.
and for the rest of what we have left
we dance together;
The dance of the dead.

Basel
July 9, 2009

.

Limited Life Warranty (3)

2009-07-30T22:28:00.008+03:00

Edit: The following is not a fishing for compliments post - just fyi
________________________________________________________________

It's been a while since I've been able to put words together.

I say that, with a knot in my throat because I have always - internally - looked down on people who claimed to have what is known as "a writers' block". I never believed in it, let alone claim to have one myself. I mean, come on, I'm nothing but an amateur who likes to think that I can actually put something together that makes sense, entertains, disgusts, or evokes any kind of whatever in whoever. What ability do I possess, or what talent for that matter do I have, and what kind of privilege do I give myself to call myself a writer? And what am I to, not only give myself a title I'm not worthy of, but furthermore bum around announcing to the world that look at me, I can't write anymore after I have oh so generously bedazzled you all with my magical words like I used to.
bunch of crap.

And then for some time, I can't do it anymore.
and it used to come so easily. like you open a faucet and it just flows, so clear, and smooth, and just .. perfect.
relatively speaking.

But I always thought that, you know, it'll come back at some point.
That all of it, will come out at once, and be so perfect again.

and so, I choked on words.
I fought them out of my throat.
I beat them out of my body.
I squeezed out my lungs for them.
all I needed were the right ones...
where did they all go?
the right words next to each other.
to make that perfect sense in my head and let me breath out again.
and I searched
I searched in your eyes
in my soul
in their bodies
between the trees.
among clouds and ants.
on the palm of her wrinkled hands.
I thought I'll find it ...
or them.
and come back with a kick ass story on how mighty I have conquered my lack of expression.

but now I come back empty handed.
I think I've lost it somewhere
along the way.
and the dance is over now.

.

A Love Story.

2009-07-20T21:28:00.004+03:00

Lucas the cat stole away my heart.
I chased down Lucas and squashed him with my foot.
And with him, I accidentally squashed my heart.

.

Limited Life Warranty (2)

2009-06-27T00:04:00.005+03:00

I think I may have an eating disorder.
The first time it happened was right after I graduated from high school.
I forget how it feels to be hungry. I stop eating and it can go on for days, without me even feeling the need to eat. It sometimes crosses my mind, the idea of food, but I just can't bother.
People said I was stressed. That is was psychological, since it was a transitional phase in my life. I have just applied to a university out of the country. I was anxiously waiting for an answer. I was getting ready to leave everything I have ever known behind and go to a place where I don't know a soul. I was about to take a huge risk that almost everyone just dreaded at that point.
They said I was stressed but I didn't feel like I was. I wasn't nervous or anxiously checking my email day and night. I wasn't even bothered with the whole "I'm may be moving to another country" idea yet. I didn't feel like I was under pressure, or going through a "transitional phase" or whatever the terms everyone used when they saw how zombified I became.

I guess there are two levels of "state of mood".
A superficial one, which is whatever that you feel on a daily basis. Anger, if someone bothered you. Happiness, if everything's going well. Shitty, cranky, funny, glossy, or whatever.
And another more profound one. One that encompasses that specific phase of one's life.
A lot may be going on in one's life, a lot of shit...on level one, you can still be happy, but on level two...the crap just lingers.
I don't even know if that makes any sense.

I obviously have an eating disorder when I'm in distress. Distress that I don't even feel. Or refuse to acknowledge. Or that I'm not even aware of. Or that I choose to ignore.
I don't even know what I do.
And it's happening again. Now that I'm done with school.
and everything else seems to be falling apart.
I don't remember the last time I had a proper meal.
and I think it's because I am in distress.
and mostly because I can't talk about it.
and mostly because I pretend the whole time.
and mostly because I feel like shit since way back in time.
and mostly because no one knows about it.
and no wonder I stopped talking as well.

.

Pre-Op III - The Mircle

2009-06-15T02:04:00.004+03:00

We're just checking to see if you're alive.

.

Pre-Op II : The Plan

2009-06-14T01:37:00.004+03:00

Disinfectants.White.Glass.Metal.White.

debts, bank accounts, jobs, future, car, house here, house there, the kids, school, money, food, passwords, instructions, advice, time, God, medicine, family, purposes, body, souls, graveyards, inheritance and the disinfection.

There's no preparing for death.

I lean my back against the white wall in the far corner, cross my arms and watch.
them.

disinfecting.

.

backspace.

2009-06-13T04:06:00.002+03:00

december 12
4:06 a.m.
first night of severe insomnia:
floating in dead air space
watching out for useless pictures
observing people I'll never be
wrapped around in patterns I'll never wear
being someone I wish I was
having someone I wish I had.

Pre-Op I : The News

2009-06-13T02:16:00.006+03:00

I'm choking on words.

but all I vomit is blood.

.

Pre-Op

2009-06-13T00:45:00.005+03:00

You swallowed in everything.

the changes.
the distance.
the time.

You swallowed in everything.

th changs.
te dstance.
he tim.

You swallowed in everything.

t chng.
e dstnce.
h tm.

You swallowed in everything.

cng.
dstnc.
t.

You swallowed in everything.

cg.
dtn.

You swallowed in everything.

g
dn.

You swallowed in everything.

g
n.

You swallowed in everything.

You swallowed in everything.

And They Lived to see it all End.

2009-06-09T01:43:00.005+03:00

and my name is riem. i'm 22. and i'm a multimedia design graduate.

Bucket List #20 : CHECK.

comma

2009-06-03T23:37:00.003+03:00

And every end is a new beginning.

Bucket List : #1 -------> CHECK.

.

i know.

2009-05-22T23:23:00.003+03:00

I know what you do in the middle of the night.
when all the ghosts and their friends come out.
celebrating the emergence of another span
when they can toast over our lost dark souls.
And I know a thing or two,
that would tear the mightiest of hearts to pieces.
merciless tearing it to pieces.
and then they would watch it bleed to death.
shameless, they would watch it bleed to death.
and then they would cheer at the gallows,
applause their latest kill.
And I know when you crawl out the door.
I know, coz I have to consciously battle to breathe.
beg my heart.
not to stop.
And I know, I wanna yell at you that stop.
please do stop.
I wanna shout out loud that, it ain't fair.
it ain't fair that I know.
and pretend not to know.
it ain't fair that I have to see it through.
and pretend not to know.
it ain't fair that I have to choose.
and pretend not to know.
it ain't fair that I have to witness this.
and pretend not to know.
coz I know.
and I pretend not to know.
and I wanna let the world know.

but I take it in.
each time I remember that I know.
I take it in.
I choose to damage only me.
and I choose to tear only my heart.
and I promise.
No one else will know.
and I shall carry it to my grave.

.

hope.

2009-05-22T00:01:00.005+03:00

...and it's like quick sand.

I'm drowning.

myself.

ruins.

2009-05-17T11:38:00.006+03:00

I know of a something or two
that would break the mightiest of hearts.
that would make you die a little bit from the inside.
that would crack down the strongest of them walls.
that make the world a little bit more ugly.
more gloomy.
and ugly.
I know of a something or two,
that no one else knows of.
And if they do,
they would run around the street screaming their lungs out.
that it ain't fair to cloud down a summer's night.
that it ain't fair to stain a virgin's heart with blood.
they would then fall,
on the verge of dying they would fall,
and they'd look around, but everyone's dead.

And I know of this something or two,

And the mightiest of hearts shall break,
and I shall die a little bit from the inside,
and my walls are forever broken down,
in ruins.

.

1xBrian_Powers

2009-05-13T19:03:00.008+03:00

He's drunk shitless, climbing up the few steps that leads to where we're sitting.
"I AM THE POWERS", he shouts repeatedly looking at the dark sky.
His friends just crack up when he almost loses his balance and stumbles down the yard.
He may have been the powers, but he was certainly not the brains.

Next morning he has absolute no recollection of the scene he's made.

.

the wait.

2009-05-03T00:24:00.010+03:00

rusty joints.
a feel of a thousand years old and one.
sounds of horror breaking through the night like a scream of pain.
utter pain and hurt.
Dog howling in the garden behind the tree of sorrow.
calling unto us that come. come, and howl with me.
Howl that there ain't no tomorrow till today is gone.
and as we're waiting, tell me about your sins.
hands cringe in the silence, as we remember.
thunder strikes in the sky, as the sound of the birds rushing unto their nests disturbs the still.
the darkness of all crushed souls collide
as the wind blows the branches of pity we hide under.
suddenly, lights flicker from a distance, that someone's alive.
a stream of lit candles floods my heart.
and I see them coming.
I reach my arm out but it doesn't move.
rusty joints.
a feel of a thousand years old and one.
I try to scream that help me.
sounds of horror breaking through the night like a scream of pain.
utter pain and hurt.
I reach my arm out to cry.
rusty joints.
a thousand years old.
I scream my lungs out that help me.
sounds of horror like a scream of pain.
reach my arm out.
rusty joints. a feel of a thousand years old.
scream my lungs out.
breaking through the night like a scream of pain.
reach my arm out.
a thousand years old.
i cry, that help me.
only sounds of horror.
my arm out.
a feel of a thousand years old.
that help me.
sounds of horror.
that help.
scream of pain.

utter pain.

and hurt.

And the light passes by and misses me.
and I keep howling with a dog.
behind a tree of sorrow.
waiting for the light.
that helps me.

.

the curse.

2009-04-29T00:36:00.007+03:00

over dinner they gathered
picked a number and decided
who to curse.

hereby we, the powers over you
shall make you know;
and this enlightenment shall be
thy curse forever.

Now travel through time,
carrying a curse on thee.
knowing the truth and crime
of every face you see.

So every face I see,
I know its truth and crime.
carrying a curse on me,
now I travel through time.
I look at you and
your skin peels out
it falls off your face
as your true flesh comes out
it's barren and ugly
it's red in blood
it's barren and ugly
cells bloating
and numb
and barren
and ugly
I shut my eyes
squeeze them too tight
"prevent me thy sins!"
I reach out to cry
they haunt me like crows
the blackest of them black crows
them big black crows
with them big black beaks
them big black crows
with them black eyes bright
they look me in the eye
and multiply multiply
a million times they multiply
till you can see no more.
I think I escape
fall on the ground and curse
curse life and living
curse being and giving
and I call upon the powers
"free me!", I cry
from the crows, free me
from them crows, free me
I want to know nothing more.
I don't want to know people
I don't want to know a soul
its deep dark secrets
are best untold.
and I drag my feet through the woods of life
carrying my excess baggage
of millions of lives
millions of weary books
millions of secrets
and empty clocks.

over dinner they gathered
they laughed at me and said:
you thought you knew it all
and to you it was all revealed
but the dumbest thing you did not see
the one truth you could not shield.

and they left me standing there
looking blankly at the horizon
not knowing anything at all
but the fact that I was played
and that the only curse,
was, in fact,
me.

the cell.

2009-04-18T22:36:00.011+02:00

I need something bigger.
higher.
more transparent.
and real.
to enclose me.
to make me belong.
to transcend me,
into a higher existence.
than this flabby and weak,
this lost and disoriented
cell.
that is something like me.
this hallucination of a life,
is taking its toll on me.
I'm tired and drained.
I need to surrender.
It's so hard not to surrender.
it's so tempting and fluorescent,
to let the ocean sink into the earth.
Each breath I take brings in spits of pain.
that I throw up.
multiplied by painful pains.
colors dance in my eyes.
cyan, pink and sometimes green.
my heart hates me.
each cell.
and I need to fall.
with a cell.
in a cell.
for a cell.
or in a grid.
or a spider's web.
or maybe the cell.
won't let me fall.
coz I'm tired.
And I need something bigger.
higher.
more transparent.
and real.
to enclose me.
to tell me that it's fine.
to tell me, I belong.
to transcend me into a higher being.
than the trashy, mundane, third-rate player
cell,
sells me.

.

Brain Damage

2009-04-04T01:07:00.007+02:00

I straighten up and stare at the glass window in front of me.
I can't believe I did it.
I stare out the window and my hands tremble.
And in the vague reflection of me I see I'm covered with its shreds.
They're on my hands. My clothes. My face. My brain. My cells.
My memory.
I start to panic.
I move frantically looking for an escape from myself.
I run to the sink, I open the faucet, water pours out screaming at me.
I wash my hands frantically.
Yellow water brown water dark water, yet my hands remain as dirty.
I rub them hard together. It's not going away. I can't wash it away. It's not going away.
And in my frustration I shove my head in the sink, drown my face in the residues of my sin, hoping the flowing water would brain wash me. transcend me into a cleaner state of being.
I lift my head slowly, water drops fall off my face like sharp knives carving their way down, scaring me forever. Like blood drops, heavy and real.
I open my eyes, and I find them dead.
I look but I can't see. I open them harder, but I find them dead.
All I can see is the bare naked reality of an addiction unveiled.
I close my eyes, only to find that the darkness becomes the perfect slate for the monsters of my memory to unleash. The uninvited guests. The unwanted children. The drenched souls.
That bloody memory of my utter selfishness, flaws and imperfections.
The mere thought of it sickens me.
The mere thought of me sickens me.
My eyes slowly wander to the pendulum of the clock tower in the center of my world.
always swaying, reminding me that each minute is a step closer to the end.
I blink blink. And it's 10 at night.
It's 10 at night.
The Simpsons is on.
I rush to the remote control, turn on the TV.

The Simpsons is on.

.

show:room

2009-03-29T23:28:00.007+02:00

Danglers Hangers
by a dangling thread
shreds dangling on a hanger
of a life they spent
dangling hanging
on a dangling thread

Danglers Hangers
hoping for the best
dangling on a hanger
hallucinating of a quest
but were too busy dangling
on a dangling hanger
too busy hanging
on a hope for the best

Danglers Hangers
like a wrecked soul
hanging dangling
while their monsters crawl
cutting down their hanging
threads, they fall
and without a sound, they fall
for they were hanging dangling
all their lives they were
dangling on hangers
so now they fall.

and on their empty dangling hangers
come new
Danglers Hangers
whose fate we knew
for Danglers Hangers
that's what they do
they dangle on hangers
or hang on danglers
and on pity they chew.

.

Limited Lifetime Warranty (1)

2009-03-21T10:38:00.012+02:00

I'm freaking out.
I don't freak out.
But I am.

I need to go on a diet - not because I need to lose weight but because of health issues - and I'm just too lazy to bother.

I drive like a maniac. And all I can think about when I'm on the road is car accidents. And I drive like a maniac. And all i can think of are accidents.

I need to find a place to bury my diaries.

I have a book-buying addiction. People go on shopping therapy, I go on book therapy. I buy mountains of books, that I know I'm too busy to read at the moment. But I buy them anyway. I have over 50 books I haven't touched yet. I almost bought a book twice, just because I forgot that I got it in the first place. I treat myself to books when I'm down,bored, or ugly. I have a book-buying addiction. And it's not going away.

>>>>
I'm not a social person. I find it extremely hard and emotionally exhausting to meet new people and make friends with them. People think I'm a snob because I don't talk. I usually can't find words when I'm face to face with a complete stranger.My tongue twists. So I usually resort to smiling. I hate "friendly-talks" and the fact that smoking is one thing that brings people together.

I talk. a lot.
Like I do here. I have things to say about almost everything.
I rant aimlessly in awkward situations or when I want to cover up for what I'm feeling at a given time. I make fun of others or resort to sarcasm to divert attention.

I cherish silence the most. I have silent conversations. And I believe that the more comfortable a person and I live in the silence between us, the more we understand each other.

>>>>>>>>> I don't find any of that contradicting.

I hate being the center of attention. That's why I love directing. It's like you're the master of the puppets, but behind the scenes. I'd rather deserve honor and not get it, than get credit and not deserve it. (rephrased after a saying by Mark Twain that I read once and it stuck with me).

My friends think that if Prom was a costume party, I should be a cutter.

I shower people with gifts. Nothing fancy. Notes, a bar of chocolate, an sms, a wink. Not because I have loads of money or nothing better to do. You just never know when it's gonna be over. So I wanna make sure to make the best memories at this very moment. It may be the last birthday I spend with you. It may be the last time we talk. It may be the last time we see eachother. It may be the last time before things change. Out of experience, it happens. It may always be the last time. So pardon me.

Everything is hanging by a thread.
Everything is on the verge of falling apart.
Everything is hanging by a thread.
I discard Everything. Because it's not happening. It's not me. Nothing is falling apart. It's not happening. I'm not here. I wash it away. I move on.

I have a theory.
I have a We-are-happy-people-theory.
I'm tired of being victimized. I'm tired of waiting for sympathy and people patting my back, smiling, ohhh dear lord, poor thing how can she survive all the shit that's happening in her life!
I'm done with this shit. I'm not a miserable person. I am a happy person, with problems.

I never write as my own narrator. I never write in the voice of me. When I started this blog, I only told stories that are pointless, funny, or sarcastic. Which is only part of me, that is .. the most obvious. I suddenly turned into this dramatic, artistic literary bullshit writer. And I never talk as me, except in tags and what not. I never write as me, because I like to think that, although the things I write are my own thoughts, that writing about them in that specific way will detach them from me. So they are only remotely connected to me. I don't want to be associated with this dark, cussing and fussing, emotional, stupid narrator of those pieces. I put myself on a pedestal. And I shall forever remain there.
I'm full of shit.

It's an in-the-air-thing. Nan has a feeling it's about the sun and the moon.

STOP TALKING TO ME ABOUT MARRIAGE ALREADY.

.

As per tagger...

2009-03-20T15:48:00.003+02:00

Since my happy phase is *so* over, I'm back with some tags to fill in the blanks till I shake the remaining specs of happiness out of me and return to the person that I am.

I therefore leave you with >>>>>>>>>

>>>>>>Go to your favorite search engine and enter your FIRST name and the word NEEDS in quotes (" [Your name] needs”), and see what comes up.

All What the entity of me needs: as per mister google: (I'm assuming Google is a he of course since it thinks it knows everything.)

Me needs to be designed so that it will be suitable for people of different faiths ...

Me needs to be added, modified, or deleted ...

Me needs to be caught and locked up for the rest of her life ...

Me needs help with a science fair project on hypoxia...

Me needs another serious edit before Thursday...

Me needs a quantum effective action that, like the classical action, yields dynamical equations...
(exactly! I mean who does *not* need quantum effect action like the classical one *especially* if it yields dynamical equations???)

Me needs a more nuanced treatment than simply "obey the law". ...

Me needs to be changed to 4-digits, otherwise confusion in Year 2057!
(I'm humbled by google's concern, really)

Me needs bricks and I need them now...I need to be a king NOW.
(because the universal question still remains of how you can become king *without* bricks u know)

Me needs to be scheduled to discuss repair work.

So After I did that tag, I sat down with Google to have a serious conversation.
I was like Google, why are so biased against the humble being of Me?
I mean, this is just not professional, you know?
Google just stared me in the eye, crossed its legs, puffed the smoke of its cigarette in my face and told me to buzz off.

Google is definitely a male.

credit goes to the.i.inside for the tag and of course for ruining my relationship with Google forever. =P

Excuse me now, I have to go get modified, edited, deleted, re-designed to fit different faiths, get quantum effective action that yields dynamical equations (which you should consider) and of course get me some bricks on my way to becoming king.

tata.

.

on:leave

2009-03-06T21:13:00.003+02:00

("blogger is currently too happy to blog" )

.

The process of an alienation

2009-02-27T12:45:00.007+02:00

They observe each other.
They talk.
They meet each other.
They talk.
They get closer.
They talk.
They laugh at their talk.
They talk.
They fight at their talk.
They talk.
They talk at their talk.
They talk.
They take each other for granted.
They talk.
They get busy.
They talk.
They don't have time to talk.
They're too sleepy to talk.
They're too exhausted to talk.
They're too modern.man to talk.
They talk on occasions.
They Happy Birthday each other.
They Happy anniversary each other.
They Happy New Year each other.
They take each other for granted.
They get wrapped in the windmill.
They stop talking.
They wait for each other.
They wait for the other to talk.
They bloat with pride.
They wait for the other to talk.
They stop talking.
They take each other for granted.
They bloat with pride.
They wait for the other to talk.
They talk.
They don't know how to talk anymore.
They talk.
They don't know how to talk anymore.
They talk.
They don't know how to talk anymore.

They don't know how to talk anymore.

And then it all ends.

.

18Dec

2009-02-26T10:50:00.004+02:00

I always thought I was just a phase in your life.
Now I realize you were just a phase in my life.

yalla bye.

.

I shall be thy light

2009-02-22T22:35:00.004+02:00

I believe I can fix people,
while the only one who needs fixing really,
is me.

.

an'urge

2009-02-13T21:40:00.005+02:00

it's talking me into stalking you into talking me into talking you into stalking me into you.

.

it.s : out

2009-02-11T12:10:00.008+02:00

tip toed through the night
into my life, it crawled
like the monster
inside my closet,
that i always dream of
but never saw.

As i hit the double digits, i...

2009-02-10T21:33:00.004+02:00

row row row my boat,
gently down the stream

merrily merrily merrily merrily,
life is but a dream

.

post_it

2009-02-02T20:10:00.003+02:00

LOST HOPE

IF FOUND PLEASE CONTACT ME AT

zee.puppette@gmail.com

.

Mere Things

2009-02-02T00:15:00.010+02:00

There you go
right in your face
I throw away your words,
your elegant things
You once called love,
you once called things
I throw away my heart,
that box of things
I throw away my mind,
manifested in things
I throw away your shit,
you dressed up in things
I throw away your face,
stack it with things
with your breath, your looks,
your beautiful things
I throw away your hands,
that colored things
once they touched them,
they colored them, things
I throw away a memory,
above all things
I planned to let last each day of eternity,
not like one of those things
before the blame and the guilt,
bloody destroyed all things
I throw away a lifetime,
smashed up, cracked up, messed up, screwed up, fucked up...
...
among other things.

.

R3.FR3SH

2009-01-30T19:17:00.011+02:00

Day one I dream of you
and I can almost count the cells that are your face
I smile and dream away

Day two I dream of you
and I can touch your nose, your eyes, your hair
I smile and dream away

Day three I dream of you
and I can hear you laugh, I see your smirk and that funny face you make when you've got nothing to say
I smile and dream away

Day four I dream of you
and I can see you walk, stepping in rhymes with your whistles. I can see you wave with both hands a "double goodbye", and blow a kiss of a "see you soon, see you in June"
I smile and dream away

Day five I dream of you
and I start counting the cells that are your face. Were they a million, or a million and one?
I wave the thought away.
I smile and dream away.

Day six I dream of you
and I see a blur that is you. I manually adjust the focus of my memory till you perfectly surface again.
I breathe easy and dream away.

Day seven I dream of you
and it's all so fuzzy. I shake my head, hit it hard with the palm of my hand like you kick an old television that's gone cuckoo. You're in a television that's gone cuckoo. Your face is fuzzy. Your walk is fuzzy. Your smile is fuzzy.
Your face is fuzzy.
I sit on my hands to prevent them for shaking.
Your face is fuzzy.
I close my eyes, pretend you're not fuzzy. It's all in my head.
It's all in my head and I dream away.

Day eight I dream of you
and I recite you. I recite you out loud, moving back and forth.
I recite you like a kid who just learned his first poem by heart and is eager to impress everyone.
I recite you to impress myself. I recite, I haven't forgotten. No. I haven't forgotten.
I smile to myself and dream away.
No. I haven't forgotten.

Day nine I dream of you
and I know you're in there. I try to pull you out. You stubbornly refuse. I try to pull you out. You stubbornly refuse. I try to picture you, but all I can make out are faded out colors and slow motioned dances of what have once been.

Day ten I don't dare to dream of you.

___

I guess it happens to all of those who live in two places.
People's faces are replaced with fucked up blurry images of a consumed memory.
And more often than not, it stings.

.

++

2009-01-27T21:32:00.005+02:00

There was once a square
and there was once a circle.
The square always wished to be a circle
and the circle would've killed to become a square.
The square never became a circle
and the circle never became a square
and in the distance you could see a mirage of a triangle laughing out loud.

.

A How To ...

2009-01-26T07:40:00.009+02:00

make a compliment:

a conversation about me over breakfast; as told minutes after:

M: Oh, I miss puppette being with me in studio already. She's like ... my safety net. She's always so calm and ... cool ... about everything you know ...

R: Yeah Yeah, She's so careless and fearless they should name a pad after her.

I'm loved.

.

cyclon

2009-01-23T22:16:00.008+02:00

i wake up.
i pack.
i watch the clock.
i watch the clock.
i watch the clock.
i vomit.

i grab a blanket. i pull my knees close to my chest and wrap it around me so tight.
i bury my head in my knees and wrap it around me so tight.
i wrap it around me so tight and pretend i'm bullet proof.

i wake up.
i unpack.
i watch the clock.
i watch the clock.
i watch the clock.
i vomit.

.

on "this"

2009-01-23T20:45:00.005+02:00

some of them hearts
are so graceful
even when they shatter
they shatter beautifully

.

p"L"ay

2009-01-23T20:28:00.006+02:00

take this piece
toss is around
kick it kick it
squash it with your foot
take this piece
sink it in
drown it drown it
squeeze it like you should
let it live there
in dust and dirt
let it die there
stained and hurt
leave it there
and watch it suffer

you fucker.

.

Shnow_zle

2009-01-09T15:43:00.006+02:00

Once upon an age, Snow White got married to her Prince Charming and has inherited the Magic Mirror from the wicked ol' witch.

She spends hours in front of the mirror. She studies her physique closely.
She turns to the left.
And then to the right.
She turns her back.
And then her front.
She turns up.
And then turns down.

Snow White has surely gained some weight around the thighs.
She groans in anger.

Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who's the sexiest girl of all?
The Mirror yawns lazily: "It's You Snow White, you're the sexiest girl of all."
Get out!! You're such a liar!

Snow White makes a call.
Snow White gets a Liposuction.

Snow white pulls her cheeks down, sticks her nose to the mirror.
I'm so friggin white.

Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who's the sexiest girl of all?
The Mirror taps its foot: "You are Snow White, you're the sexiest girl of all."
Get out!! You're such a liar!

Snow White makes a call.
Snow White gets a tan, a nose.job and a tummy.tuck.

Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who's the sexiest girl of all?
The Mirror shakes its head: "You. You're the sexiest girl of all."
Get out!! You're such a liar!

Snow White makes a call.
Snow White gets a facelift, breast implants, and a butt augmentation.

Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who's the sexiest girl of all?
The Mirror pinches its cheeks: "You. You're the sexiest girl of all."

Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who's the sexiest girl of all?
The Mirror pulls its freakin' hair out: "You! Snow White. You're the sexiest girl of all."

Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who's the sexiest girl of all?
The Mirror fumes out: "YOU! YOU ARE! You're the sexiest girl of all!"

Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who's the sexiest girl of all?
The Mirror bangs its head to the wall: "you. you. you. you."

but...
Mirror, Mirror on the wall.
Mirror, Mirror on the wall.
Mirror, Mirror on the wall.
Mirror, Mirror on the wall.

Prince Charming cheats on Snow White with her servant.

.

History X

2009-01-07T00:36:00.006+02:00

My great grandmother was Turkish.
She had all the royal Ottoman empire discipline and lifestyle nested in her head.
She passed it on to her children. And then to her grand children.
My great grandmother was extremely picky.
She had her morning Turkish coffee in a golden ornamented ceramic cup and a saucer.
She had her morning Turkish coffee with a long etched glass of water.
If her grandchild brought her the glass and it happened to be wet, she'd go furious.
If her grandchild brought her the glass and so much as a drop of water was on the outside, she'd go furious.
She'd keep her temper, shake her head in disgust and pity.
"welad 3arab!" she'd call them, when she shakes her head, in disgust.
In pity, she'd shake her head and call them "welad 3arab!"
My great grandmother was Turkish.
She had all the royal Ottoman empire discipline and lifestyle nested in her head.

My great grandmother taps her foot.
The Turkish coffee is a poppy carbonated state of liquid.
The golden ornamented ceramic cups and saucers are blue and red cardboard.
The long etched glass of water is plastic and disposable.

The glass is always wet.

My great grandmother is sitting on her wooden chair, holding her Turkish coffee on the saucer, and is shaking her head.
She shakes her head in disgust and pity.
"welad 3arab!" she calls us, when she shakes her head, in disgust.
In pity, she shakes her head and calls us "welad 3arab!"

-inspired by Gaza happenings-
.

الرأس

2009-01-01T13:40:00.004+02:00

يجلسان علي سطح أعلي مبني في المدينة
يحتسيان مشروباً روحياً يٌدندشان به روحِهما الخالية
يتسامران
يتناقلان آخر أخبار عالم الجثث الهامدة
وآخر ما آل إليهِ أغبياء الأرض
تدق الساعة الثانية عشر فيُهللان
يهتفان
يتراقصان
أن

سنة حلوة ياااا حميــــــر
سنة حلوة يا بهيـــــــم
سنة حلوة ياااا هُبل...مِنّك ليها ليها ليها له له له
سنة حلوة يااااا ...... ولا بلّاش

يتغامزان
و يُفرقعان صاروخاً في صحة الروشنة
و الكروش الممتلئة

.

up,on.a.tiny

2008-12-26T11:26:00.007+02:00

Once upon a time there was a princess who lived alone in a castle by the lake.
Her father, the king, is an alcoholic.
Her mother, the queen, eloped with a biker.
Every morning she'd put on her tiara and her finest dress and wait by the lake for her promised Prince Charming.
She'd sit on the shore and throw stone after stone in the water and gaze at the never ending circles.
She waits by the lake and throws stones.
Stone after stone.
Year after year.
Stone after stone.
Year after year.
Stone after stone.
Till one day, by the shore, from the water, comes out a tiny purple fish.
It squeaks angrily at the princess:
"STOP THROWING STONES AT US, YOU MOTHERFUCKING BITCH! GET A FUCKING LIFE!"

Prince charming finds the princess's body the next morning.

.

th'end.

2008-12-22T18:34:00.005+02:00

وإليك
أُهدى
آخر
قشة and to you
I hand my last straw.

.

20.12

2008-12-21T22:34:00.005+02:00

On 20.12.08,
I didn't say no.
I said I want it differently.
different is not a no.
different is just different.

.

ra:in

2008-12-19T00:18:00.005+02:00

It's raining outside.
It's raining inside.
It's raining on the desert.
It's raining in my head.
It's raining on land.
It's raining in my body.
It's raining on water.
It's raining in my soul.
It's raining on streets.
It's raining in my veins.
It's raining on homes.
It's raining in my heart.
It's raining on people.
It's raining in my cells.
It's raining on ups.
It's raining in my exhales.
It's raining on downs.
It's raining in my inhales.
It's raining outside.
It's raining inside.

It's raining.
It's finally raining.

.

Break Tab & Lift to Open

2008-12-13T17:37:00.006+02:00

I need to write a narration for my experimental video.
It's there. It's all there.

I pick up a pen.
I draw a dot.
It grows into a skinny man.
I stretch the line till the other end of the page.
It grows into a fat woman.

That's not gonna work.

I drop the pen, and pick up another.
I draw a dot.
and it circles,
it forms a puddle
that quickly starts moving till it fills up the whole page.

That's not gonna work either.

I drop the pen, and pick up another.
I draw a dot.
and it doesn't do anything.

I throw the pen.

.

Das Beste kommt zum Schluss

2008-12-08T20:05:00.010+02:00

...aka. before I kick the bucket: a tag by EVA famous LUNA;

1. Graduate first (CHECK)
2. Have a year off to get lost, paint, write, and sketch.
3. Furnish my now deserted, untouched future design studio exactly like I picture it in my head.
4. Buy & Install that Telescope I've been looking at for years on my studio's roof.
5. Kick off my own business
6. work, while avoiding having my soul getting sucked out of me.
7. make money, and start paying my parents back the insane amount of money they spent on my education.
8. Solo exhibition; on a local and international level.

9. Roam around the world, and hit all places on my Travel list.
10. Mural out my postcard collection.
11. Read all Classics, and tick off my endless book-waiting list.
12. Start a public library, which will include all kick-ass books.

13. Resume memorizing the Qur'an, which I have put off since I started going to my rock-on school.
14. Go to Hajj with my parents, before I get old and shabby.

15. Move my ass aka. exercise again.
16. Be more silent and Do more Yoga.
17. Learn how to play the Saxophone, my favorite instrument of all times and play "Nature Boy".

18. Pay it forward.
19. Rescue whatever soul I have left.
20. Come out, and take responsibility for all that shit I write here. (CHECK)

wana wenta.
wa shokran.

December...Up Yours!

2008-12-06T02:24:00.007+02:00

December is the loneliest month of the year.

You think it's over, but it's not.

December gives you hope that maybe, maybe, next year will be a bit better.
but it never is.

December is always an end of a shitty year, and always the start of an even shittier year.

December nests reminiscing, and cradles nostalgia.

December is when it all began,
December is when it all ended.

December is the time when a shattered family comes together for a couple of days and pretend everything is okay.
December is the time when friends decide to meet, catch up, laugh about the gd ol' time, and pretend everything is okay.
December is the time when you stand with a glass of wine, in a laughing out loud crowd, smiling your time away, and pretend everything is okay.
December is the time when you look around for someone to kiss when the clock hits midnight, but you look around,find no one, smile, and then pretend everything is okay.
December is the time when the rain hits your window and you wish you're out there running, but you can't run on a wheel chair of your own making, so you watch it pouring outside from your living room window, and pretend everything is okay.
December is the time when you want to buy gifts for loved ones yourself, and wrap them yourself, and give them away yourself, but when you list down your loved ones, what you have down on paper are the names of the bawab and the makwagy, so you tear the paper up and pretend that everything is okay.

December is the loneliest month of the year.

You think it's over, but it's not.

.

melt:ing--pot

2008-12-01T13:49:00.007+02:00

In a land of sand and dunes, I live
in a box of glass and steel
A glittery shiny life, I lead
crossed legs on a chair on wheels
To the front I walk on a carpet red
I smile, I wave, I greet
For I have been the greatest actress of all
oh the spotlights I did steal.

***

I'm a perfect being.
No. I'm *the* perfect being.
In fact, I'm so perfect, perfection is jealous.

I make no mistakes. I have no flaws.
I do the things the way they should be done. Or shouldn't be done.
I know everything.
I have an interpretation for everything, reasons for everything, and solutions for everything.
I have wisdom beyond belief and I possess access to everyone's minds.
When I talk, I talk directly to your soul, your body, your mind. All at the same time.
I make so much sense, I make you wonder if you have any of your own.
I make things look so much different, so much easier, so much simpler, it makes you question why on earth you haven't thought about things this way before.
I'm charismatic, and enigmatic and a drum-roll in everyone's lives.
If you know me, you'll never imagine your life again without me.
I'm strong, brave and have the courage to face it all. And by letting you know that, in return, you become strong, brave and have the courage to face it all.
I'm caring, loving and a best friend.
If you have me, you don't need anyone else. I make your life perfect, like I am.
I'm the missing piece to all people's life puzzles. If you find me, you've just successfully completed your life's picture.

I'm a perfect being.
No. I'm *the* perfect being.
In fact, I'm so perfect, perfection is jealous.

***

On shattered pieces of what's called earth
I hop, I land, I fly
Leaving behind shreds that have once been
a part of a life pass'n' by
Confusion of the fusion of
all scattered pieces, I
have lost the wild wild battle of
not living in a twisted lie.

***

I am nothing.
No. I am *the* nothing.
In fact, I'm so much of a nothing, nothing is jealous.

I have no dreams, no wishes, no plans of my own.
I walk through life because I have to. And I flow with the mainstream because I have to.
I stop when they tell me to stop. And I don't stop when they don't tell me to stop.
I am no one. If you pass me by, you wouldn't look twice.
I occupy space, making the world just a little bit tighter for everyone.
I breathe in air that probably someone else deserves more.
Beyond that, I have no existence. I'm off the records of human kind's history.
I am a lack.
I lack life, I lack emotions and I lack actions.
I have none. No mind, no heart, no soul, no body.
I'm the mistake of a world, oh so perfect.
I'm the flaw. I'm the error.
I'm the hole.

I am nothing.
No. I am *the* nothing.
In fact, I'm so much of a nothing, nothing is jealous.

***

With teary eyes, a bowed head and heart
I put my palms together, I kneel
I plea guilty in the courts of life and I
beg forgiveness of all of thee
I have cheated, betrayed, mistaken and
let down because I'm Me.

***

I don't know who I am.
Somewhere along the lines of life in the fast lane, I lost track of the person I am.
I know who I used to be.
I know who I wanna be.
But I have no idea who I am.
I don't know how it happened. I was always so careful.
I make a plan, I follow the plan.
and now the plan fucked me up.

I don't know who I am.
But I plan to introduce us.

.

->o : again

2008-11-26T22:30:00.004+02:00

NO FUCKING COMMENT!

A stereotypical Love Story

2008-11-20T11:10:00.017+02:00

to be cont'd

con.....nection

2008-11-19T20:19:00.007+02:00

They spoke to each other in the language of parking spots.

If she had been "good", she'd find a parking spot right in front of the entrance of her building.
If she had been "bad", she'd drive around her neighborhood for up to a whole hour just to find a spot to throw in her car. And more than often, she ends up parking next to the big stinky garbage dumper.

They spoke to each other in the language of parking spots.
And she was happy she got His feedback.

.

For Sale

2008-11-14T23:44:00.007+02:00

stacks of wrapped up emotions.
glittery. shiny. for all occasions.
brand new.

a dozen of drama acts.
never seen a stage. never seen on stage.

a pack of future plans.
with stuck arms of a clock.

a collection of touches.
never encountered skin.

a river of tears.
never rolled down.

tons of smiles.
never curved a lip.

a million hugs.
never wrapped a body close to a heart.

of bundle of shiny black hair.
never saw sunshine. on hold for an uncover.

a bottle of random talk and empty conversations.
never spilled out.

a locked box with a treasure map and a key to a secret garden.
never opened. never unfolded.

a dream of a being.
never acquired its first cell.

a red tulip flower.
saved over the years.

a pillow.

a sun.

a window.

a man.

a heart.

.

Rocking Chair

2008-11-07T23:33:00.007+02:00

You know I hate waiting, don't you?

Then why don't you just come?

You know that life is ticking, and we don't have time to waste.

Then why don't you just come?

You know I'd smile at you, and stare at you and smile at you.

Then why don't you just come?

You know that I'd go around the world with you, and I'd let you go around the world with me.

Then why don't you just come?

You know I'd sew you clothes, make you a Halloween costume, and trick or treat with you.

Then why don't you just come?

You know I'd let you eat all the chocolate chip cookies.

Then why don't you just come?

You know I'd read for you, sing you your favorite songs and write you poems.

Then why don't you just come?

You know I'd paint for you, paint around you, paint you.

Then why don't you just come?

You know I'd let you be my home.

Then why don't you just come?

You know I'd love you forever, love you unconditionally, love you beyond.

Then why don't you just come?

You know I'd be there, and here, and everywhere else.

Then why don't you just come?

You know I keep looking at my watch, at the big pendulum in my living room, at clock towers.

Then why don't you just come?

You know I'm waiting.

Then why don't you just come?

You know I hate waiting, don't you?

Then why don't you just come?

why don't you just come?

.

2allak:

2008-11-04T21:46:00.005+02:00

من أوباما لماكين

يا قلبي لا تحزن

.

EF.WY.AY

2008-11-02T10:21:00.004+02:00

Hall_ucinations of a Dis.oriented.01.

2008-11-01T22:24:00.006+02:00

I'm here.
But I'm not.

I'm not here.
But I am.

I walk, talk and turn around.
I walk, talk and turn around, to see me talking, walking, and turning around,to see me talking, walking, and turning around,to see me talking, walking, and turning around,to see me talking, walking, and turning around,
to see me talking, walking, and turning around,to see me talking, walking, and turning around,to see me talking, walking, and turning around,to see me
talking, walking, and turning around,to see me talking, walking, and turning around,to see me talking, walking, and turning around,to see me talking, walking, and turning around,
to see me talking, walking, and turning around,to see
me talking, walking, and turning around,to see me talking, walking, and turning around,to see me talking, walking, and turning around,
to see me talking, walking, and turning around,to see me talking, walking, and turning around,to see me talking, walking, and turning around,to see me talking, walking, and turning around,to see me talking, walking, and
turning around,
to see me talking, walking, and turning around,to see me talking, walk-
ing, and turning around,to see me talking, walking, and turning around,to see me talking, walking, and turning around,to see me talking, walking, and turning around,to see me talking, walking, and turning around,to see me talking, walking, and
turning around,to see me talking, walking, and turning around,to see me talking, walking, and turn-
ing around,to see me talking, walking, and turning around,to see me talking, walking, and turning around,to see me talking, walking, and turning around,to see me talking, walking, and turning around,to see me talking,
walking, and turning around,to see me talking, walking, and
turning around,to see me talking, walking, and turning around,to see me talking, walking, and turning around,to see me talking, walking, and turning around,to see me talking, walking, and turning around,to see me talking, walking, and turning
around,
to
see
me
talking,
walking,
and
turning
around.

.

HATE MAIL

2008-10-27T16:44:00.010+02:00

Dear shitfaced M*****F***** who hit my car in the parking and ran off like a fucked up chicken;

may you rot in hell forever and more, you stinkin assfaced shitty little - no, not little, FAT- shit shit shitty piece of shit.

tick tock, asshole.

.

~Nude~

2008-10-25T20:23:00.006+02:00

paints a smile
wears a perfume
on a strap high heels
and makes way to the red fluorescent light.

Because there's something missing
Inside out
there's something missing
and that's a way to the red fluorescent light.

buys a stack of emotions
with an expiration date of yesterday
that last for 11 minutes
on the way to the red fluorescent light.

fills up the void
fills up the vacuum
isn't filling up holes a human's ultimate goal
that makes him steal,
that makes him bribe,
that makes him kill,
that makes him consume,
that makes him hate,
that makes him fight,

for we all walk on the way to the red fluorescent light.

and now that you've felt it, you don't.
and now that you've hid it, it's shown.
and now that you've filled it, it's emptier.
and now that you've got it, it's gone.

it's forever gone.

untitled*002

2008-10-18T17:52:00.008+02:00

ذهَبَ الليلُ
طلَعَ الفجرُ
والعصفور كرّكرَّ
شاف القطة
قال لها
مُزّة
قالت له
فُكَك يا خفيف

2028

2008-10-13T22:01:00.012+02:00

Have you ever felt that something is so certainly gonna happen, you could almost touch it?

Through the span of her life, nothing tragic has ever really happened.
A couple of heartaches here and there. Maybe some problems. Mere misunderstandings.
But come to think about it, nothing major really happened to her.

While people encountered wars, sudden deaths, drastic losses - she was at home, safe and sound.
While people were shattered all over the place, she kept herself intact.
While people stumbled upon life and spent forever searching for who they truly are, she knew exactly what she is, what she's for and what she's supposed to do.
While people struggled for their rights and freedom, she was granted those on a golden (or maybe just a silver) plate.

When she got bored, she made things up.
She created her own drama, or was willingly sucked in in someone else's.

But all along, her wise heart always warned her that life wouldn't let her go off that easily.
All along, she waited for her tragedy to come.
She waited for the true thing. The real deal. Her own struggle. Her tough fight. Her heroic battle.

All along she waited. And it never came.
She always felt like she's going to die young.
Not that it had to do with anything.

And on the time line of her life she walked
until a messed up version of a ghost from the future started appearing behind the thick fog of the unknown.

She felt it in her stomach.
no no. That can't be. you must be kidding me.
She felt it in her stomach, or maybe above - just a little.
Is this it? Is this my tragedy?
She felt it in her stomach, or maybe above - just a little, and a bit to the left.
Is it me? I will be my own battle?
She felt it in her stomach, or maybe above - just a little, and a bit to the left; beating.
I always knew I'll be the protagonist of my own story, but this.
She felt it in her stomach, or maybe above - just a little, and a bit to the left; beating. breathing.
...in my own war...i fight...me?
She felt it in her stomach, or maybe above - just a little, and a bit to the left; beating. breathing. living.

And on the time line of her life she walks.
And a messed up version of a ghost from the future smirks.
giggles.
laughs.
I am here.
it shouts.
and she shall wait no more.
it twirls around in euphoria
and twirls around in shameless euphoria.
and it ties itself up in a lump and settles.

She felt it in her stomach, or maybe above - just a little, and a bit to the left.

and it rests.
in one of them.
right above her heart.
it rests.

and her battle begins.

iConfess**

2008-10-05T22:28:00.008+02:00

my eyes roll anxiously to the left,
they
twitch
twitch
twitch,
before they hurry to roll anxiously to the right.

I look over my left shoulder ..................... I look over my right shoulder
nervously

I hunchback on the keyboard, tiptoeing those silent words, to whisper out a secret.

"I think my best friend is my laptop."

white~

2008-09-29T23:24:00.005+02:00

and i lie...............
there
the journey..........etched on my skin
a long...long awaited moment.........................
*that*
....................................of me lying there
and i think...........nothing.................................
voices rooted in my head.......
.................................go to sleep
and in the corners of my brain.....it is white
.................and all is silent.........
the only sound is that of a ticking
a ticking clock...................
.........................................................and a ticking heart of mine
like an orchestra....it goes c..re...sc......endo
gazes. whispers. tears.
and hopefully prayers.
in my mind
all i see is ..............
...........white
it becomes so...vivid
i can touch..................
...........white
........smell ..............
...........white
embrace ..............
...........white
gazes. whispers. tears.
and hopefully prayers.
i smile.
it is..........
it is as promised.
and the orchestra of my heart goes..........wild.
and i smile.
make my last joke.
ha.ha.ha.
gazes. whispers. tears.
and hopefully prayers.

and it ticks.
and it feels like forever.
and the orchestra bursts.
and my chest bursts.
and white revolves.
closing me in harder in its embrace.
and harder in its embrace.
and harder in its embrace.
and harder in its embrace.
and harder in i...................
..................... and it stops.
and the orchestra stops.
and the gazes. whispers.tears.
and hopefully prayers.
they stop.

and i stop.
being.

esc++

2008-09-24T22:30:00.003+02:00

How I wish life had a Fire Escape...

Zagg

2008-09-19T19:10:00.004+02:00

I hate it when I'm looking for something and I just can't find it.
It's like being punished for something you didn't freakin' do!

002

2008-09-19T18:13:00.004+02:00

I said: "I need you".

He turned around and walked away from me.

I could have cried
screamed
groaned
stomped my feet
tore my clothes

but I just glanced, turned around, and started looking for flowers.

The Hills

2008-09-17T22:19:00.016+02:00

I'm rolling down The Hill again.
It is as green as it can be.
Nothing ever changes just for me.
And if I ever roll down the top.
The world won't come to a stop.
'Coz I will roll back up again.
And down and up and down again.
For as long as I can.

sometimes you can't help but say,

2008-09-17T22:19:00.015+02:00

المعركة

2008-09-17T22:19:00.014+02:00

كان مظهرهما مخيفا.
هو بجسده الضخم وعضلاته المخيفة أمام جسدها النحيف.
حاجباه الغلاظ، ابتسامته الساخرة، والنظرة المضيئة في عينيه أمام شعرها المشعث باهت اللون ونظرتها الممتلئة بالإصرار والعزم علي الانتصار في هذه المعركة.

وقف كلاهما ينظر إلى الأخر نظرة تشف عن التحدي الذي يدور في صدر كل منهما.
هو يقول: "سأنتصر حتما، مع الفرق الواضح في الحجم والقوة، لن أقبل الهزيمة."
وتقول: " يا لهذا الأحمق! حركاته تنم عن غباء وسذاجة... أيظن أن المعركة تحسم بالعضلات والقوة؟ هو خاطئ... فسأنتصر بلا شك."

تتلاعب بسمة سخرية علي شفتيها وهي تخطو خطوتها الأولى نحوه في حين أنه ثابت في مكانه يرمقها بشغف وفضول... وفجأة، وثبت هي عليه وثبة تنم عن رشاقة في الحركة وذكاء شديد ونشبت مخالبها في عنقه محدثة جروحاً لن تداوي في وقت وجيز.
صرخ هو صرخة ألم شديدة تشوبها مزيج من الدهشة والرغبة العارمة في الانتقام، ثم جذبها من فرائها المشعث وقذفها بعيدا متلفظا بكلام لم يستطع هو نفسه أن يفسره في حين انطلق مواءها عاليا أثر اصطدامها بحائط العمارة المجاور للرصيف.

قام الرجل من ساحة المعركة متألما لاعناً اليوم الذي تحدي فيه قطة الشوارع علي من يفوز بالمشي علي الرصيف الضيق

Kiosk

2008-09-04T12:01:00.006+02:00

A refreshing fact about Jordan:

El shorta mazalet fee khedmet el sha3b.

Petra - Jordan

Packing

2008-08-22T00:58:00.013+03:00

And when the time comes, you pack your bags and leave again.
You pack your bags, fold in your life that is stylized into pieces of clothes, fold in memories that you spent so long bringing together.
You take a deep breath, fold them in, and leave. yet again.
You wrap your stuff, you wrap your paint brushes, your watercolors, your sketchbooks and all along you wrap all the bonds and ropes so carefully yet lovingly sprang out of your core to other existences.
You take a deep breath, wrap them up, and leave. yet again.
You nervously move around looking for something you forgot. You move around looking for something. You move around looking for something to stop you, to push you to the edge, and just stops you from leaving.
You move around looking for something to stop you from leaving but you end up staring blankly at some pink painted wall.
So you leave. Yet again. Hoping that the next time you come to leave, something - or maybe in another lifetime someone - at the time you're looking around, would appear. Would finally show up, reach out, and yell the-"That's enough"-phrase and save you from being torn apart over and over and over again.

stream of consciousness

2008-08-15T02:17:00.006+03:00

happy. angry. frustrated. positive. crazy. astonished.
in pieces. nerdy. sad. satisfied. proud. loved. crappy. tired. excited.
indifferent. lazy. numb.
warmhearted. missed. missing.
lost.
found.
retrieved.
recycled. new. young. shiny. cozy. comfortable.
uneasy. embarrassed.
dark. hard. cheerful. planned.
systematic. prepared. ready. running. powerful. strong. enduring.
exhausted. sleepy. dreamy. imaginable. imagined. fancy.
fantastic. fair. loyal.
friendly. loving. hateful. resentful. broken. shattered.
anguished. scared. secure.
beautiful.
awake. wishing. alone. lonely. telling. waiting.
knowing.
unknowing.
shadowed. pretty. amazed.
ignored. hidden. revealed.
discovered. re-discovered. invented. re-invented.
appreciated. valued. cancelled. thrown. showcased.
logical. closed. opened. ruined. gathered.
peaceful. hurt. enthusiastic. accepted. tolerated.
discriminated against. hopeful. shocked.
whatever.

nothing. I feel none of it. none.
just satisfyingly nothing.

-> My next Exit <-

2008-08-13T00:32:00.005+03:00

to my surprise...

2008-08-10T21:59:00.002+03:00

he listens.
he actually listens.

001

2008-08-07T01:58:00.008+03:00

Your punishment is that I do forgive you - that despite everything, I don't really hate you.
Your punishment is your conscience - if there's anything left of it, that is.
Your punishment is you.

I truly wish I can hold this back but...
fuck you.

- Closed for Maintenance -

2008-06-26T10:57:00.004+03:00

This Blog is declared closed for a Face Lift until further notice.

On Hating People

2008-06-11T15:27:00.002+03:00

Riding on a bumpy state of mind, I stopped to congratulate you on where you are, what you've become, and all the potential of what you can be.
On a bumpy state of mind, I smiled anyway.
To You.
On a bumpy state of mind, you smirked anyway.
At me.

I hate when people don't pick up the phone when I call.
I hate when people ignore me on purpose.
I hate when people drive on the road's shoulder when they're jammed.
I hate when people put too much honey mustard in my subway.
I hate when people cheat off me.
I hate when people keep going on about themselves like noone else matters.
I hate when people talk dirty behind my back.
I hate when people say they don't know when they do.
I hate when people are late.
I hate when people take my books and give them back ripped.
I hate when people take my CDs but never return them.
I hate when people tell they will do something while they have absolute no intention of keeping their promise.
I hate when people say they miss me while they really don't.
I hate when people pretend they're mildly interested in my life while they really cudnt give 2 shits.
I hate when people start talking to me again only because they need something.
I hate when people blame me for not keeping in touch while they never tried to keep in touch either.
I hate when people tell me lies.
I hate when people expect so much of me, it drains my energy.
I hate when people know how to get the best out of me.
I hate when people take but never give.
I hate when people say hurtful things but never recognize the damage they just caused.
I hate when people constrain me, my actions and my words.
I hate when people think they have the right to tell me what to do.
I hate when people decide for me who the hell I am.
I hate when people take my turn in the queue.
I hate when people stare at me.
I hate when people keep their mess behind them.
I hate when people walk slowly in front of me, but don't leave me space to pass.
I hate when people smirk at me.
I hate when people treat me like shit.
I hate when people take me for granted.
I hate when people don't remember.
I hate when people do remember.
I hate when people do all of that and more.
I hate when people do all that and more but I still smile at them because that's what I do.
I hate when people do all that and more but I still smile at them because they're humans. and we're allowed to screw up.
I hate when people do all that and more but I still smile at them because I want to be smiled at in spite of my doing crap.
I hate when people do all that and more but I still smile at them because without them I'm nothing.

So Excuse me if once in a while, I blow up, I say "eff you world!" or "Go hug a freakin tree!" or "Questu veux you freakin asshole" or call Anonymous "effen Shithead" or describe the entity of stupid as "stinking shit."
So Excuse me if once in a while, I act "aggressive", "inappropriate" or "out of line".
I do that once in a while so that I can smile at you despite of your shit.
Excuse me.

So No - my friend- I don't hate people. I hate what they sometimes do. and that's how I chose to move on beyond all the crap I encounter every minute.
So No - my friend- I don't hate people. I Know they label me.

And You damn well haven't proven me wrong.

Riding on a bumpy state of mind, I stopped to congratulate you on where you are, what you've become, and all the potential of what you can be.
On a bumpy state of mind, I smiled anyway.
To You.
On a bumpy state of mind, you smirked anyway.
At me.

Traffic Lights

2008-03-08T15:01:00.012+02:00

At a cross road I sat waiting for my turn to turn left. From three sides they were all waiting. Waiting for their turn to go. Looking either bored, envious, angry or just plain indifferent to those cars whose turn it is to run through the empty streets, getting gradually closer to the their destination. Some talk to the person in the seat next to them, some sing out loud and some just glaze over with a blank look in their eyes. I stare at the empty passenger seat at my side, thoughts stand still in the dusty hallways of my mind. For a moment, I think nothing. For an instant, everything goes in slow motion and I think nothing. For a second, I'm no one, never born, never to die, without feelings, nor mind, nor body, nor soul, I'm no one, I think nothing, and I'm not there. I stare at the empty passenger seat, and out there it finally turns green. The car next to me hurries up the junction, up its way. I stare at the empty passenger seat. The cars behind me honk, push me, hate me for stealing valuable moments of their lives. I stare at the empty passenger seat, I'm no one. Just for a second. I start to move, up to the middle of the junction. "That's where you should turn the wheel, to turn left, to your street, your destination". I drive to the middle of the junction and I stare blankly at the cars in front of me. Coming from the opposite direction. Waiting in long lines for their turn to drive up to the middle of the crossroad and turn the wheel. I stare blankly at the cars coming from the opposite direction, their lights flickering up my eyes, their intensity blinding me, interrupting the darkness that shimmers over my brain. Their lights flickering up my mind. I should turn the wheel. Their lights blinding me. I'm no one. Just for a moment. At for another moment, I have the urge to not turn the wheel. For another moment, I have the urge to just drive up straight.